What Do I Say?

I don’t know.

I’ve been trying to write since Tuesday. I really have. Other than that short piece I wrote for here that originated on Twitter. I’ve been coming up empty. But I want to get my punk ass moving. So here goes: my rambling thought process over the past week.

Everyone, I’m so sorry. An overwhelming number of white people voted for Donald Trump. I saw someone say (I can’t remember who, so if you know, please let me know so I can accurately credit them) that “you can’t ridicule not all men for years and then say not all white women”. And that’s true, you can’t. I have to own what white people have done, because if I don’t, then I can’t even begin to protest, and I don’t deserve to.

This apology isn’t enough, I know. I need to donate to charities. I need to protest. I need to make my voice heard. But I believe that the start of fighting back is acknowledging who fucked up this election. And I’m doing my best.

And trust me, I intend to donate. I intend to protest. I intend to exercise my right to free speech as long as I goddamn have it. I will not be one of the people crying “give him a chance” or “he won, settle down”. I will not settle down. I will scream at the top of my lungs until I no longer can, and even then I will do my best to shout.

The night of, I went to bed not by the time it was declared, but late enough that I was 99% certain of the outcome. I woke up the morning after, checked the news on my phone, and held back tears. I got ready for school. I sobbed into my mother’s shoulder. I fell into a deep despair.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this on WordPress before (I’m certainly not shy about it on Twitter, Facebook, & tumblr), but I’m bisexual. I am terrified of what Trump and Pence will do to people like me, LGBT folk who have finally started to be granted certain rights and may now have them taken away from them.

I spent most of the week in a deep depression. I struggled through school, the grades on my daily homework slipping. I sobbed most of Wednesday, cried in occasional fits on Thursday, made it through Friday only teary. Yesterday I became angry and motivated and determined.

Today I am a mixture of both. I had a panic attack today because of everything in the world. I feel like I have nowhere to run to, even though I want to stay and protest. I feel lost and scared and tired.

But I’m still angry. I’m angry all the time.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to say it. Everyone has been so much more eloquent, so much wittier than I can be. All I can do is apologize again and again, and promise to try and educate people to do better.

I’m so sorry.

(If you’re a POC and I said anything here that is wrong or ignorant, let me know, I want to know better)

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